12 Quick Tips for Moving to ANY Foreign Country.

1. Freeze Your Credit Profile Like a Disney Princess.

No Elsa, you’re not locking your Amex in a snow globe. You can still keep your cards open! You’re just preventing identity thieves from opening a NEW “Gucci GoFundMe” account in your name.

2. Tell Your Banks You’re Moving. Then Tell Them Again. Then Pray.

I called Chase twice before moving. Both times they said “All set!” Both times they were lying through their expensively veneered teeth. My account was frozen faster than Ted Cruz’s spine trying to get out of Texas during a weather disaster!

3. Keep Your U.S. Phone Number – and Get a Local One

Because one day, Wells Fargo will text “Is this charge in Mexico legit?” and you’ll want to answer “Sí!” instead of “Goodbye checking account.” Also, get a local phone through TelCel ($25 a month!). You’ll need it for your Banamex account, as well as Pizza Hut, local mercados and that one neighbor who sells tamales and gossip.

4. Maintain a U.S. Address.

Use a post office box or a friend’s place. Ipostal1.com is like a timeshare for your mail. They scan your packages, forward your stuff, and you can still pretend you “live” in San Diego when dealing with the horrible customer service, you’ll soon miss after experiencing what’s offered in Mexico.

5. Get on the Utility Bill.

Having your name on the electric bill isn’t glamorous, but in Mexico, it’s pure bureaucratic bling. A lease and TelCel will get you by but the utility bill is like a backstage pass real estate financing when you get your PermRes!

6. About That Car – Just Don’t.

Unless you drive something extraordinary (and I did, until Elon tanked my resale value), just sell it. Import taxes are about 20%. That’s right. One-fifth of your car’s value goes poof. If it’s leased, forget it. No puede! If it’s financed, get permission in writing to bring it in from the bank or it might not get past the border. And for the love of all that is automotive, get Mexican insurance. U.S. policies are about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.

7. Health Insurance: Mexico’s Greatest Plot Twist.

Once you get your temp residency card, apply for IMSS coverage for around $40 a month. That’s less than the cost of one emergency room bandage in the States. Private insurance is also available. I’m 63, got a quote for $200 a month, and didn’t even have to sell an organ.

8. Select Your Streaming Services in Advance.

Netflix and Prime usually work. We canceled Disney after Der Fuhrer tried to cancel Jimmy Kimmel but in any case, double-check everything before you’re left staring at a frozen screen of despair halfway through The Witcher.

9. Learn the Language BEFORE You Go!

Gringos yelling “WHERE… IS… THE… BATHROOM?!?” like volume equals fluency should be transported to a Mexican equivalent of an ICE facility and then exported faster than a Latino US Citizen who is openly critical of fascism. That’s SO obnoxious! Learn some Spanish BEFORE you move! Start with “Disculpe mi español horrible.” It’s humble can even be charming, when properly executed. Your worst case scenario? You don’t move and can show off in front of your friends, like Bradley Cooper speaking Chinese to the waiter in “Limitless”.

10. Even Though You’re a Yank, Learn About the “Culture”.

When I do business with Europeans or Latinos, I never discuss business for at least 30 minutes (sometimes not at all in a first meeting!). In Vienna, I dress up. In Tijuana, I dress down. In most of Europe, I might expect a dinner to be hosted at 9 or even 10pm. In Mexico, after ordering my meal, I’ll expect it to come “Horita” – which means at some point between now and the apocalypse. Don’t be that “Ugly American”. As my daughter has heard her whole life: Improvise. Adapt. Overcome.

11. Be Street Smart, Not Street Stupid.

You’re more likely to get mugged in parts of Houston than in half of Mexico City. But don’t be an idiot. Don’t flaunt your Rolex in the poor part of town. Don’t wander into dark alleys or off the grid – especially at night. If you bear a strong resemblance to Jabba the Hut, those two scantily clad senoritas who are inviting you back to their place for a “surprise”? That surprise is probably named Hector.

12. Be an Ambassador, Not an Asshole.

Americans have… a reputation. Let’s be incredibly diplomatic and call it “suboptimal.” Be nice. Compliment the food. Tip 15% (but not more!) for good service. Say “gracias.” Don’t be the loud, entitled tourist who thinks “customer service” means “bow before me, peasant.” You’re representing your country, and regardless of where you go I the world, right now that reputation needs some serious damage control.

Congratulations! You’re now 11 steps closer to becoming a beloved local instead of an over-loud, under-aware Yankee. Pack your patience, your sense of humor, and maybe an extra liver for all the tequila you’ll be “politely” offered! Cheers, Fred