PAINTBALL IN MEXICO! It's Different!

PAINTBALL IN MEXICO! It's Different!!!

Who doesn’t love paintball?

My niece, that’s who.

Life here is is like life in the US - but there ARE differences.

We thought it would be fun to take La Familia out for a day of paintball. We found a place called “War Zone”. It was aptly named.

Unlike the parks in the USA, this place looked like a cartel training ground designed by a someone whose greatest joy in life is recreational injuries.

In addition to the usual random walls and barricades, they had stacked rusty barrels, those giant cement drainage tubes you see on construction sites and of course… a parked car. Because apparently every Mexican action movie requires a parked car. The ground was uneven and filled with ways to trip and fall into something rusty or made out of cement. It was awesome!

And the price???

Here, you don’t pay per game. You pay per pellet. We got 1,000 pellets for 8 people for about $800 pesos. That’s roughly $45 USD for enough ammo to start a small regional conflict.

I took my three nieces on my side and left my brother in law, nephew, sister in law and Maria on the other team. I immediately went into Tactical Uncle Mode.

“Stay low.”

“Stay behind cover.”

“Keep your marker pointed where you’re looking.”

“Shoot in 3 to 5 round bursts.”

Basic stuff for any veteran. Mysterious juju for three girls ranging from 10 to 18 years old.

The rules were simple. When you get hit, you raise your hand and walk off the field. First team eliminated loses. Simple, right?

First round, I nailed my niece almost immediately. Then I saw my brother in law hiding behind a metal wall with rectangular holes in it. I threaded a shot right through one of the openings and POP! Got him in the head.

Then BAM! He shot me directly in the head. Did I miss? I raised my hand and walked off. Then he saw me walking off… and HE raised his hand and walked off.

Wait. What?

Meanwhile, my brilliant “controlled bursts” strategy wasn’t working out so well with the 10 year old. She was crouched behind a wall basically firing into the sky like she was defending the Alamo - from airborne attackers.

The round finally ended and somehow my sister in law and one of my nieces had completely run out of pellets.

How do you use over 100 paintballs trying to hit only four people?

Those of us with ammo left split into teams of three for another round. My niece was wonderfully noisy, so while their attention was on her, I flanked their position and took out my nephew almost immediately, with 2 out of my 3 round bursts hitting center body mass. Then my brother in law - again with 2 pellets. There was no way I missed and now way they didn't notice the pellets which seemed to travel at double the velocity I remembered.

Then I trapped one of my nieces behind a little L shaped wall. She stuck her arm out and I hit her. No hand raised. Maybe I missed. So I hit her again. Still nothing. Then again.

At this point I figured she was either invincible or incredibly stubborn. Assuming I had finally eliminated the last player, I turned and started walking away when suddenly…

OWWWWW!!!!!!

A paintball hit me directly in the center of the tricep from about 10 feet away. I turned around and there was my niece grinning like a Bond villain. Then I got hit by my long-dead (game-wise) nephew! Then more pellets came flying in my direction. What. The. Actual...

Mea culpa.

Turns out my Spanish translation of the rules somehow became:

“Okay, they ran out of bullets in the first round, so the second round is just everybody shooting the hell out of each other until all the bullets are gone.”

Ouch!

Bruise about the size of an orange!

Based on hitting my brother in law and then him hitting me and walking off, I'm not sure the rules were ever clear.

And BTW, these were NOT the soft little paintballs I remembered from the USA. These things were larger, harder and apparently forged from compressed hatred. Half the time they didn’t even splatter. They just hit you and bounced off like rubber-coated marbles traveling at Mach 2.

One hit my 10 year old niece directly on her ring finger… while she was wearing a ring. The exact impression of that ring has been permanently tattooed into her finger. She has sworn she will never darken the halls of a paintball range again. Who doesn't like paintball? My niece, that's who.

But overall? We had an absolute blast.

And honestly, I can’t even say they cheated. I can only say… I really need to continue my Spanish lessons.